5 February is St Agatha’s Day. Born in about 231 in Catania, Sicily, she is one of many virgin martyrs of early Christianity. Her story exemplifies why there are so many women among the ranks of martyrs for the faith.
She was said to be a beautiful child born to wealthy nobility, but she turned from the obligatory paths of women and consecrated herself to Christ. This enraged many of her suiters, but one in particular decided to force her acquiescence. When his advances were spurned, Quintianus, the Roman prefect and governor of her homeland, had her arrested “for her faith”. Then follows a series of increasingly macabre acts of desperation by Quintianus to get Agatha to renounce her virginity. He had her sent to endure a brothel, had her tortured and burned in prison, cut her breasts off, and finally sentenced her to burn at the stake. However, she was saved from this last indignity by an earthquake. She died in prison, likely before her 20th year.
St Agatha is the patron saint of many places, but she is most revered as the intercessor for women in all their special adversities. She is patron of breast cancer and midwives. She watches over nurses and wet nurses. She comforts and protects those who live with sexual assault. And she also has a strong association with fire and volcanic activity, especially when it threatens the home.
Most of us today are astonished by tales like Agatha’s. We look to her for strength in adversity, emulating her resilient faith. But might we also learn from her persecutors… there are no limits to what a man in power will do to a woman who rejects him. Best we think on that and notice all the similar atrocities enacted upon a woman’s body throughout history — all for the simple reason that she said no… and he would not accept her right to do so.
We are heading into another round of violent patriarchy. There are already fatal consequences for the bodies of women. This will only get worse. How do we ensure that there are no Agathas? Maybe supporting causes like the 4Bs. Maybe create safe networks locally. Maybe learn to be strong… and devious and ruthless. Use all your prodigious talents for keeping yourself safe.
Here are a few tips.
One: Don’t get yourself into a precarious position. Don’t use dating apps and blind dates. You are not going to meet anyone you want to know, never mind finding someone worthy of trust, unless you meet that person in the normal course of your life, doing things that interest you. Even when you meet someone that seems worth your time, don’t go anywhere without witnesses for quite some time, not until you are quite sure of the person. Never go to a private place with someone you don’t know well enough to trust. And do not trust until that person has proven to be trustworthy. You don’t need to err on the side of assuming that person is good, because it is statistically unlikely to be true. And even when you are ready to trust, don’t completely let your guard down. For example, do not involve things that impair your judgement. Do not drink alcohol or use any sort of drugs or even go out when you are tired or feeling sick. Anyone who is pushing that on you is, by definition, untrustworthy. At the very least, they are ensuring that you are going to feel even more crappy in the morning… and whatever happens in the intervening time is not going to be enjoyable for you.
Two: Know that you are allowed to say no. Even to a person you have let into your life. In fact, you are encouraged to say no. Frequently. Sex is a big responsibility, not just a moment of pleasure. Limit it to when you are ready for all the potential repercussions. But even then, you are allowed to say no, no matter if you have already had sex with that person. If you are in any way unwilling in that moment, say no. You are not a bad person for saying no. If something feels off in any way, even if that is merely that you are not in the mood, say no and walk away. This is your body. You decide what you want. If there is pressure, laugh loudly and pretend the whole thing is a preposterous joke. If there is still pressure, say you are diseased. You do not need to care about the opinion of this person. If that doesn’t work, kick him in the crotch and run.
Three: Learn self defense. Learn precisely how to kick him in the crotch so you can do that effectively, every time, even under pressure. Learn all the ways to martial your strength in order to repel. Learn to keep your head under control when the situation is terrifying. Don’t discount or discard nasty, below-the-belt options like clawing someone eyes or grabbing whatever is at hand and swinging for the head. The price you will pay if you do not get yourself out of this situation is much higher than any defensive damage done to your attacker.
Four: Use your phone. Dig it out of your pocket and ostentatiously tap on the keyboard. Take a picture of the guy. Also ostentatiously. Maybe with the flash on to temporarily blind him. Take a picture of the surroundings, something to identify where you are. You can use emergency phone numbers like 911, but as these take time and are not always going to be sympathetic to you — first responders are likely to be more like your attacker than you — call or text a trusted person.
Five: Set up your own emergency response system. Gather friends and family and put those numbers on an instant messaging list. Agree on a code phrase that is short and easily typed. Then snap a photo of the person and send it with the code phrase. If anyone in your group receives that message, they should contact the police. If your trusted network is close enough, maybe agree to come to each other’s aid. So make sure your photo includes some identifying feature of the location. Or just give a quick address with your code. Now, tell your attacker that his image has been sent to people who are instructed to take that image to the authorities as a known attacker. Maybe you could work some sort of all-clear signal into the support network. Give the victim a minute or two before responding. If she does not send an all-clear message, then respond. Do not tell the attacker this. But do keep texting at a furious rate. The more witness there is, the less he will be likely to proceed. Also, if he does, there will be ample evidence to convict. As long as you can find a sympathetic judge… which is becoming rare. So best not to need to prosecute.
Six: Know that whatever happens is NOT any reflection on you. You did not ask for it because you are wearing clothes that make you feel sexy. You are not wearing sexy clothes for other people, but for yourself. You did not do anything to bring this on. You did not secretly want it. You are not a bad person if your trust has proven unfounded. Again, statistically, this is fairly likely to happen to you more than once throughout your life no matter how carefully you place your trust. But you did not do this, and this whole thing is never your fault. Know this. Because this is the only thing that will help you mend if (when) it happens.
Seven: Know that you will mend. All of us mend. Even when the price is a completely changed life, we mend. And we all learn that we are strong, better than our attackers in every way. Know this now, and no man will ever have any power over you. Even if he is forcing his foul penis into your life. Know this… and laugh in his pathetic face. Know this… and he has already lost.
©Elizabeth Anker 2025
By My Solitary Hearth 
Thank you for writing this. We men forget – if we ever really understood in the first place – how easily we can cause great harm and hurt, carelessly, even without any malicious intent. I will start this day with a fresh dose of humility and self-awareness, and hopefully a bit more respect for others.
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